What Makes a Good Friend? Arizona State University Research Explains the Science of Friendship and Mental Health

Friendship is one of the few experiences that touches nearly every part of a human life. It shapes how children learn to cooperate, how adults cope with stress, and how people recover from illness and setbacks. Yet for something so universal, friendship is rarely examined with the seriousness it deserves.

That is changing. Researchers at Arizona State University, including Laura Hanish, executive director of the T. Denny Sanford Harmony Institute and a developmental scientist with more than 25 years of research experience, have been studying what actually makes friendship work — and why social connections matter so much for mental health at every stage of life. Her central message is both encouraging and practical: being a good friend is not a personality trait you either have or lack. It is a set of relationship skills that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time.

September marks National Friendship Month in the USA, making it an ideal moment to look closely at what the research says. As you read through these findings, consider your own social connections — and if something resonates with you, share your experience in the comments below.

The Relationship Skills That Define a Good Friend

When people describe a good friend, they often reach for vague words like “loyal” or “fun.” Research offers a more precise picture. According to Hanish, good friendships are built on concrete, teachable relationship skills, including:

• Working with others to resolve problems rather than avoiding them
• Taking responsibility and making genuine amends after causing harm
• Showing authentic interest in other people’s lives
• Offering kindness and comfort when someone is upset
• Cooperating rather than competing

None of these behaviors requires charisma or luck. They are actions, and actions can be practiced.

Friendship Skills Are Learned, Not Innate

This is perhaps the most useful takeaway from the research. We begin learning relationship skills in childhood — a parent reminding a child to take turns, a teacher guiding students through a disagreement on the playground. From there, we continue to practice and refine these skills throughout life, often with the help of feedback from the people around us.

The implication is significant for anyone who feels socially awkward or struggles to maintain relationships: friendship is not a fixed talent. Like playing an instrument or learning a language, it improves with deliberate effort and honest feedback. If your friendships have felt strained lately, the question worth asking is not “What is wrong with me?” but “Which relationship skill could I strengthen next?”

Why Friendship Matters for Mental Health and Physical Well-Being

The evidence linking friendship to health outcomes is remarkably broad. Studies show that strong social connections contribute to academic achievement, financial stability, psychological well-being, and physical health. Consider something as ordinary as being sick: whether you have friends who check in on you, bring assistance, or simply offer a listening ear can influence whether your recovery is faster and smoother or slower and more difficult.

Loneliness, by contrast, is increasingly recognized as a public health concern in the USA and worldwide. The absence of meaningful social connections affects sleep, stress levels, and long-term health risks. Nurturing friendships, then, is not a luxury or an afterthought — it is part of living a healthy and successful life.

If you find that loneliness has been weighing on you, take that signal seriously. Schedule a free consultation with a licensed counselor or mental health professional in your area to talk through practical next steps; reaching out is itself a form of the skill-building described above.

What Friendship Offers That Family Relationships Cannot

People sometimes assume that a spouse, parent, or sibling can fill every relational need. The research suggests otherwise. Friendships occupy a unique niche in a person’s overall relationship life for two reasons.

First, friendships typically occur between people of relatively similar age and status. This equality creates space to negotiate and co-create the rules of the relationship. Friends can take turns leading, experiment with cooperation, and reach outcomes collaboratively in ways that parent-child relationships — with their built-in hierarchy — rarely allow.

Second, friendships carry fewer structural obligations. Romantic partnerships usually involve joint responsibilities for household, family, and financial stability. Friendships generally do not. That freedom is precisely what makes them valuable: a friend is someone who chooses to show up, again and again, without a contract requiring it.

Friendship Matters at Every Age

Another common misconception is that friendship is primarily a young person’s concern. The developmental research tells a different story. Even infants notice other children and respond to their behavior, engaging in rudimentary social interaction long before they can speak. By preschool age, children’s friendships already resemble the friendships people form later in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. The need for connection does not expire — it evolves.

How Social Connections Change Across Life Stages

If friendship is so important, why does it often feel harder to sustain as we get older? The answer lies less in the friendships themselves and more in the circumstances surrounding them.

Most friendships form in shared settings: schools, workplaces, neighborhoods, sports teams. When those settings change — a graduation, a job change, a relocation — the structure holding the friendship together shifts too. New people entering a shared environment can also reshape existing patterns of connection.

Hanish’s research perspective offers two reassuring points here. First, these disruptions are normal, not signs of failure. Second, friendships come in different forms: some are lifelong, while others serve a meaningful purpose for a specific season of life. It can be painful when a friendship fades, but treating every dissolving friendship as a personal shortcoming misreads how relationships actually work.

Life transitions are also openings. New circumstances create space for new friends — and new friends often bring new joys, such as introducing you to an activity you had never tried. For further perspective on navigating change and protecting your well-being during transitions, explore our related articles on mental health and resilience for additional reading.

Technology, Loneliness, and the State of Modern Friendship

Technology has reshaped how people in the USA and around the world spend their time, shifting many interactions from face-to-face to face-to-screen. This shift is not inherently negative — digital tools keep distant friends connected and help busy adults maintain ties that would otherwise lapse. But the research highlights a caution: during the COVID-19 pandemic, the widespread loss of in-person contact proved genuinely detrimental to human well-being and contributed to widespread loneliness.

The lesson is not to abandon technology but to be intentional about it. As digital habits expand, friendships need deliberate care. That might mean scheduling regular in-person meetups, choosing a phone call over a text when a friend is struggling, or simply protecting time on the calendar for the people who matter. Connection rarely sustains itself on autopilot.

Practical Ways to Make New Friends at 8, 48, or 78

For anyone who feels lonely or recognizes that they want more from their social life, the research points to several proven approaches.

Start With Shared Interests

One of the simplest paths to friendship is similarity. Join an activity that genuinely interests you — a class, a club, a volunteer group, a recreational sports league. Shared interests give conversation a natural starting point and give the relationship a recurring setting in which to develop.

Work Through Your Existing Network

Research shows that friends of friends are likely to become friends in their own right. Ask people you already trust to introduce you to others they think you would get along with. Most people are happy to make these connections, and a warm introduction lowers the social barrier considerably.

Look Beyond the Familiar

Perhaps the most meaningful route, according to the research, is building connection with people who are different from you. Friendships across difference carry unique benefits: different people bring different ideas, skills, and experiences, which enrich the relationship and expand the capabilities of everyone involved. Knock on the door of a neighbor whose background differs from yours, or step outside your comfort zone to try a novel activity where you might meet someone unexpected.

Whichever approach you choose, pick one concrete action to take this week — sign up for one class, send one introduction request, accept one invitation. Small, repeated actions are how every strong friendship begins. If you want more evidence-based guidance on building a healthier social life, subscribe to our newsletter for future articles on mental health and social connections.

What Most People Get Wrong About Friendship

Here is a belief worth retiring: the idea that good friends always get along smoothly, agree on everything, and never experience conflict. The research is clear that this simply is not true. Disagreements, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even betrayals can arise between close friends — and these difficult moments do not automatically mean the friendship is doomed.

What matters far more than whether conflict occurs is how it is handled. Hanish points to the questions that reveal the true health of a friendship:

• Do the friends acknowledge the disruption rather than pretend it did not happen?
• Does each person take responsibility where appropriate?
• Do they communicate their own needs respectfully while listening openly to their friend’s needs?
• Do they work together to solve the problem?

Two people will never be in perfect alignment — friendship is, by definition, a relationship between two unique individuals. The goal is not frictionless harmony but a reliable pattern of repair.

Strengthen Your Social Connections Starting Today

The research coming out of Arizona State University reframes friendship in a hopeful way. Good friendship rests on skills — cooperation, accountability, kindness, listening — and skills grow with practice. The need for connection spans every age, from infancy to late adulthood, and the benefits reach into mental health, physical recovery, and long-term success.

So mark National Friendship Month with more than sentiment. Reach out to a friend you have not spoken with in a while. Offer comfort to someone who is struggling. Repair a rift you have been avoiding. If your social circle feels thin, join one new activity or ask one trusted friend for an introduction.

And if this article sparked a thought about your own relationships, share your experiences and questions in the comments below — the conversation itself is a form of connection.